My numero uno.

DAY 14                                                                                            MAY-29th-2014

Thanks for being all the things I had to say goodbye to.

So my sister got into a university in Canada and she has to leave Bangalore in less than a month, as happy as I was for  her something kept troubling me. I could not figure out what made me feel so uneasy, so I dialed yecha’s number and we met on her terrace, after adding a little more damage to our lungs it was time to go home, then I suddenly realized what was troubling me all day, it was the thought of saying goodbye to the Bangalore chapter of royni and I.

Goodbyes are never easy. Goodbyes mean letting of the reality and entering the land of good times through memories. But, what if you are not ready to let go?  What if you want it to last a little bit longer? What if the memories are not enough?  What do you do when all that is left is to do is say goodbye?  If you had asked me all this before December-3^rd-2013 I would have given you my classic answer, let it be.   All that I would say now is make the most of now and say goodbye irrespective of how much it hurts.

I always avoided situations where I knew for sure I would get hurt, I even fast forward through the scenes which make me cry, which is why I will never ever be able to watch cast away again. Wilson getting washed away made me cry like a little baby.  I would come up with multiple excuses to avoid an emotional situation, happy tears or otherwise was definitely not my cup of tea.

All of us have regrets, if you don’t have any, well good for you. My biggest regret in life is not saying goodbye to pemma. I didn’t go see her at the hospital because it broke my heart to see her so weak and helpless. She was a lioness and to see her begging us to take her back home was all my worst nightmares put together flashing in front of my eyes. I was sure that she would be fine in a couple of weeks and she would come back home to scold me hiding all that love that she had for me beneath those round framed spectacles, the balance would then be restored in my life.  This time my instincts failed,  she did not come back home and I did not say goodbye, I did not tell her I loved her and I did not tell her amma was second and she was always my numero uno.

The last conversation I had with pemma was one week before she went away; she asked me “hey,is shruthi married?” and I told her “not without you pemma”.

If only somebody is working on building a time machine get in touch with me, I will force my eldest sister to fund your work. If i could rewind just a little bit, I would go plant a kiss on pemma’s forehead and she would understand everything that I want to tell her.

What you waiting for? Go kiss that special somebody goodbye if you haven’t already.

Stay stoned until next time.

Xo-

shuu